Above the Weather
A brief , sort-of introduction
Hi, dear readers :)
I thought I would take this first newsletter to shed some light on the inspiration and genesis of this project. I do plan on digging in a little more deeply into my long covid story, the how and why and where of it all… but for now I thought I would just dip my toe in with a little introduction to the general ethos and vibe here. This is my first Substack after-all (so be gentle). I had to take the plunge!
To those that know me it will be no surprise that the namesake for this Substack was born from a breath work session. It would also be of no surprise that I am extremely self conscious about admitting this detail but it is true. I really do love breath work.
I had been practicing different forms of breath work since my most severe days of illness. Back when meditating would make my brain hurt and visualizing was too much. The very first thing that gave me any sense of relief from my constant symptoms and fear was a simple in for four counts out for six breath. I clung to this practice during a time when even my own thoughts and imagination felt cut off from myself, due to my crushing sensory sensitivity.
Severe ME/CFS can manifest as a living hell, some even call it a living death. Which is not hyperbole. In this state the simplest acts of existing, thinking, feeling, the normal processes of the mind, cause excruciating discomfort. Because of this I had nowhere to run to- both my ability to physically move and my access to my sense of inner knowing or calm or escapism had left me. I had to be profoundly in the moment but every moment I was in was profoundly painful. It was a herculean task. Over time though, my system calmed enough and I have been able to move through the worst of it. Reflecting back, I believe breath was my first step back to life. Though there were many.
Anyway…
This began a deep exploration of different breath work modalities. Eventually I also applied for a scholarship for a breath work program organized by a breath worker, writer and activist Jennifer Patterson, and was blessed enough to have gotten it (reminder to always shoot your shot!).
The course was dense with guest teachers, diverse perspectives and life-giving wisdom and practices. There was one particular breath practice we learned called Three Part Breath. Three Part Breath is a more activating, charged, and intense breath practice**. It is not what you may think of when you think of soothing or relaxing“deep breathing”. During these sessions it is not uncommon to experience emotional release, strong sensations, or even psychedelic experiences.
(side note: I am acutely aware that talking about this kind of thing can be insufferable but I am coming to grips with my own insufferable nature!! And I am ok with that!!)
In one session in particular, I felt the presence of an entity. I was firmly grounded in my body while somehow simultaneously entering what I can only call an altered state. Here, this entity was guiding me to a place where the hum of pain and sensations began to quiet down. Before I knew it, I had a vision of being above clouds, engulfed in an almost threatening level of luminescence and clarity. I immediately had the pervasive sense that beyond it- the symptoms, the pain, the very real limitations of my ailing body, everything that feels immovable and impossible- everything was actually ok. I felt overcome with an incredible feeling of peace and even aliveness, the kind of optimism and relief I had not felt in months.
I immediately was reminded of a flight I took after visiting home in the Bay Area for the holidays to Portland, where I lived at the time. I was very young and lost and unhappy then. The darkness of the pacific northwest is not particularly hospitable, especially when you come from the gleaming sunbeams of California. The clouds there are even different from California clouds, too. They are more sinister. Ever present, low hanging, muddy. While on land, without the miracle of aviation, the cloud cover from above felt oppressive and punishing. It felt unending. However, as we began our descent into Rose City, I nearly forgot it all.
From above the clouds, I had the pleasure of a vantage point that I could only describe as forgiveness. I felt all of my judgment and disappointment I had toward this place that I lived and let’s be real, in myself, leave me. None of it mattered. All that existed was the most brilliant, calm, expansive, bright light. And I was in it. I saw clearly that the sun never went anywhere, it’s always been there. The dark wasn’t personal. It was just weather.
In a sense this is the stuff of cliches, I’m fully aware. Cliches are cliches for a reason. And this cliche is why I will never forget the hope that moment in the sky leant me. It helped me believe I could make it through the winter and dark. It helped me believe I could maybe even begin to love Portland for what it was, instead of what I wished it to be. I truly was granted perspective in this moment. A knowing that even though things felt like shit from my puny POV, it is certainly not the enduring truth. The truth is, if we can appreciate the moods of where we stand, just beyond them the sun is so certain. It never wavers. The rest is just weather.
And I felt this intuitively during my breath work experience and it is how I have related to my healing , conceptually, since. Whether healing trauma or chronic illness, I had a sense that nothing was so fundamentally broken or bad with me or my body. That there IS a place or a way, or at least a moment that exists where I do not need to be fixed. The pain, symptoms, heartache are not nothing but what they are is ephemeral. They can consume you and fog up your vision, make you believe the sun has disappeared for god knows how long. But whether you like it or not, the body and the pull towards survival (closest I can get to what God is) are cunning and steady and shining irregardless. I believe this is true for all of us.
So, my north star which I come back to often, has been to find and familiarize myself with this place above the weather. Which ironically is not a destination outside myself at all. It is not an escape from reality but actually a tool to be able to accept it. The at times, unacceptable. After all, as buddhist philosophy teaches, whatever it is..it is not permanent. I don’t have to strive to “overcome” my pain. I don’t have to aim to live in this other supposedly perfect place, it is not possible to actually. But it is enough for me to know that it exists and that- when I can make contact- it will be unyielding, ready and waiting for me. I am certainly no master at this but I know my my compass is pointed in the right direction.
So, from this inspiration “Above the Weather” was born.
In this project I want to be flexible. Flexible with topic, with format, with output. I still have energy limitations and am learning how to produce in a way that is organic and sustainable. This for me also is about imperfect action. I’m practicing putting myself out there, where I am now and having grace for growth or foibles. What is consistent will be the anchor of my personal experience navigating my (now 2 year) journey of long covid.
I am very excited to dive into things more. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading and for coming on this journey with me. It means everything to be able to tell my story. Doing this is my own hopeful attempt at reaching out into the abyss. My writing is me coming up for air, finding the place that transcends my circumstances. Getting above the weather.
Until then, inahle …1….2….3… exhale….2…3…4..5…6…….
* breath work like described is not always appropriate for people who have ME/CFS. Proceed with caution, seek guidance from a professional to be sure of no contraindications and as always listen to your own body before embarking head first.
Further readin’ and healin’:
The breath work that started it all
Jennifer Patterson, @ corpusritual on instagram and here
a lil playlist (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧ I made with songs inspired by the vibes + themes explored in this Substack